Now what?
I once dreamed of this moment, to be up and walking on a prosthesis, my prosthesis. To be relatively pain-free and no longer using a crutch to walk. To be CANCER FREE. But what happens once I have all of that? What now?
Before my amputation, I researched like crazy. I wanted to know what kinds of things I could achieve on a prosthesis and I wanted them all right away. After surgery, I focused my energy on the future and hoped the days would pass quickly so I could finally taste the sweetness of reaching my goals. I wanted that time to be a blur, just a fast-moving dark cloud before the sun finally came back into my life. I didn't need to form any memories of the hurt. But something surprising happened. I hadn't expected to find any happiness in the waiting but somehow, I did. I made memories and they weren't all bad ones.
Eventually, I started reaching my goals, one by one. I found myself wondering what was next? Sure, I made new goals because I think it's important to consistently grow, but I also realized I may have been looking at everything wrong from the start. Why should the future be the only time we expect to be happy? And what happens when we run out of time? Did we live an entire life waiting for more without appreciating the now?
All that time with family, all the road trips, hours spent on the couch with my husband watching movies, walks through a park. All of those little moments we take for granted while we wait for something more exciting to happen, maybe those are the moments we should be focused on. I won't stop planning vacations and dreaming about the future, I'm a dreamer and I always will be. I think visualizing what you want when it seems completely out of reach makes it that much more satisfying once you achieve it. The secret sauce is finding a way to savor the magic of today without forgetting that tomorrow is still worth dreaming about.
I still have so much I want out of life. And there is still plenty of struggle left to adjust to, but I want to acknowledge and celebrate the fact that I now have many of the things that I prayed so hard for once.