PTSD

When we think of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD, we often think of a military veteran wounded in the war or a survivor of assault. But the reality is, I don't know a single cancer survivor or amputee who hasn't had some degree of it.

Before I knew that my cancer was back, I went shopping at a TJMaxx and got caught in the rain while pushing my shopping cart back to my car in the parking lot. The tumor growing around my knee caused me to slip and fall. As I lay there crying, I watched the blood dripping from my elbow and hands mix with the rainwater on the pavement until a stranger came over to help me get up and into my car. I still remember everything about that moment because it was that fall that lead to my diagnosis of recurrence and ultimately, amputation. I tried to go back there several months later and I couldn't even make it near the parking lot before it all came flooding back, like blood mixed with rainwater. It took me two years to be able to go back to that store. No one prepared me for this part, the memory of the trauma creeping back in and shutting me down like an emergency alarm.

No matter how many chapters of my life, there are only two volumes: before and after the trauma. Ever have a really great dream where you are running wild and free with two legs, only to wake up and remember you only have one now?

No matter how much you try to avoid your triggers, they will still show up when you least expect it, forcing you to relive your darkest hour. Time hasn't exactly healed all wounds, but time has helped me process the emotions that come from the memories. There is still a scary monster called cancer that haunts me. It took a piece of my body, a part of my soul and I will work for the rest of my life to stop it from taking any more of me.

If you love someone who has survived something traumatic, please understand that although they survived, the battle may not be over for them. Please be patient and considerate of how going back to that parking lot or that doctor's office may feel for them. They may need you to turn the car around or hold their shaking hand as they step back into room #13 where they first got the news. It gets easier, slowly but surely.