My Infertility Story

From baby dolls to babysitting, as far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a mother. Not because it was expected of me by society, but because my love for children and desire to have that unbreakable connection ran deep. After my first encounter with cancer, I counted down the months until my doctor gave me clearance to start trying. I had already seen several OBGYN's to ensure that they saw no reason why I should have trouble conceiving. Little did I know that 6 years later, reaching an age where fertility starts to dwindle, I would be writing about my continued infertility struggles.

I always felt so thankful that my husband and I were on the same page about our desire to become parents. After trying for about a year unsuccessfully, we went in for more in-depth testing and the endocrinologist suggested we try intrauterine insemination (IUI), a less expensive and less invasive approach to fertility treatment than IVF. It was Christmas and we were so sure it would work. I was disappointed when my period arrived, but the doctor said we could try a medicated cycle where I would be given hormones to trigger ovulation and that it was normal for it to take several cycles to work. So we tried again... and then again to no avail. After that third cycle, I needed a break, we took a year off and continued to try the old-fashioned way, sans synthetic hormones. Soon enough, we were once again anxious to make this happen so we found a new doctor and started talking about IVF. 30k later, I began giving myself daily injections in my belly and tried to keep my cool at work as I dealt with extreme emotions triggered by the high doses of hormones. It would all be worth it if it worked. I ended up with two embryos, one boy and one girl. I was given a photo of each of them and I spent hours staring at them, praying them into existence, wondering which one of us they would look like and what their first words might be. We decided to put only one in at a time and each time, there was no pregnancy. I felt so broken and betrayed by my body. I hadn't had chemo or radiation and yet my body still could not give me this one thing...

I was so hurt that I couldn't handle even talking about trying to conceive anymore. I was done, but yet that ache in my heart for a child never left. We tried to move on as people all around me kept saying I just "needed to relax". The words rolled off their tongues so easy because that's all that getting pregnant ever was for them, easy. I dealt with strangers wishing me "Happy Mother's Day" year after year, just assuming that in my 30's, I must obviously have children. It opened my eyes to how those who don't want children must feel. Just as society expects that we will easily have children, they also assume we will all want to have them.

For all the struggles I have been through with Cancer and infertility, I have gained some wisdom as well, and here is some of it, always think before you speak so you don't end up using your words as swords to break open a wound someone has spent far too long trying to heal. Maybe we will all feel a little less like something is wrong with us if we stop to consider that someone else might not feel the same or have the same experiences as we have had.

Sharing my truth with you all over the last year has helped me open up in ways I never have before. If you have also experienced infertility or judgment for your choices, please know you are not alone and I hope we can have more honest conversations moving forward instead of suffering in silence.