BODY POSITIVE

Alas, bikini season is upon us. Although I've taken countless dips in my own pool within the privacy of my backyard at this point, my residual limb has not yet made her debut in a more public setting. The pandemic began a few short months after my amputation and social gatherings were quite rare, even after I had recovered enough to wear a prosthesis. I've had to face stranger's stares as I carry on walking through crowds in shorts, but a swimsuit is a whole other beast to tackle. As much as I empower others not to do so, I have picked myself apart. From my waistline to my scars, to the way my socket squishes my but cheek in the most unflattering way (if you know, you know). Things have changed all around.

I've sat with my thoughts on this. Why am I feeling self-conscious? Is it that I feel like a different person? Or is it really just that in a swimsuit all my battle wounds are on display, telling a story of all that I've been through without giving me the chance to hold some of it back from people I'm not ready to share with? Maybe some combination of both. What I have figured out over time is that there is typically a deep-rooted cause for insecurity and it's not usually the extra couple of pounds or lack of a tan.

Take a moment and think about the most accomplished and confident people you know. Now, think about what makes them so special and why you find them so admirable. Is "perfect body" on that list? And does their lack of one make you appreciate them any less? I bet not.

I find myself agreeing that we need to break the mold of what is considered sexy and beautiful, and appreciating all the incredible women who ooze confidence no matter how "different" they look. However, I can't help but feel incredibly exposed and judged as soon as my residual limb is visible to those outside of my small and tight inner circle. As if my prosthesis is a shield, only allowing small amounts of wounds to seep through and as soon as I remove it, my vulnerability is out there for anyone to see and do with what they please.

If you are reading this and feeling this way about a residual limb, a scar, your shape, or anything else, let this be a reminder that you are your own worst critic. Outsiders aren't taking the time to think about all the negative things that you are thinking about yourself. At the end of the day, why live a life with less sunshine and vacations, trips to the beach and the pool, all because of what someone insignificant, may or may not be thinking. I plan to enjoy this Summer, regardless of my insecurities and I hope you will push aside all the self-doubt and do the same.