The Logical Cancer Survivor
It’s almost scan week. This used to happen every three months, but recently, I graduated to every six months, which technically gives me more time to panic when I feel a strange pain. But yet, something magical happened recently. I felt a deep pain in my residual limb, and, well, I didn’t panic. I took a moment to think logically about why I might be hurting. After talking to my prosthetist, we put together that I was most likely feeling pain due to my prosthetic socket being slightly too big and my leg sinking all the way down into it, further than it should go. This has happened before, but I always refused to believe it could be anything but cancer. Because years ago, after being told it was almost statistically impossible, my cancer did, in fact, come back.
Bone pain is something one doesn’t forget after osteosarcoma. It’s so different from how a sore muscle or wound feels. Some of us know it’s probably a bad sign when we feel it. Now that I wear a prosthesis and have partially healed from the trauma of being told I needed to have my leg cut off, there are new aches and pains caused by my socket I need to consider as possible causes. And for the first time in the history of ever, I’m not scared this pain is cancer. I feel pretty confident I can tell my oncologist precisely what’s going on when I go for scans next week, and the images will reflect that. I’m pretty darn sure I’m still cancer-free, and it feels so good to say that. Maybe I won’t even stare into the depth of my x-ray’s soul tech trying to decipher what she sees on my scan. Maybe if she’s short with me, I will be able to brush it off and know she might just be having a bad day. Maybe.
I want to make it clear that I don’t think people who are scared their cancer is back are illogical. It’s just that cancer clouds our judgment. We’ve all lived under the storm cloud of cancer, wondering when it’s going to rain again. I can’t say I won’t want to throw up the second I sit down in the Cancer Center waiting room, but right now, at this moment, I’m not scared, and that is something.
