Busy not being sick
Last week, I had my first oncology follow-up that involved zero anxiety. It felt so damn good, I had to take a moment to remind myself that I might be busy, but I'm not busy being sick or thinking that I'm sick or recovering from anything, and that feels freaking fantastic. I am not unwell; In fact, I am very well. I feel more clear-headed than I have in a long time, and my schedule is full of nothing but fun and rewarding healthy girl activities. I'm not dreading Doctor's appointments. Instead, I'm ticking things off the long list that lives in my head. I'm not in fight or flight, and I have time to get shit done. There are freelance projects, graduation brunches, and murder mystery dinners. There are plans with people I love and places I miss. Even though I'm missing most of my right leg, life is mostly what I hoped it would be at forty. I've been sending the sort of energy into the universe that brings back the right kind of Karma.
I think some of this recent positivity actually comes from being busy. When we say no to plans and sit around too long, it's easy to fall back into the place where the worry lives. I do my best to find a balance that works for me between getting up and out of the house often and letting myself decompress from all that social energy. Trust me, as much as I love a good party, I very much also enjoy locking myself away in my room for a long nap and a Netflix binge. It's like working out so you can eat extra cheese, light sauce Pizza Hut pizza whenever you want... which should probably be the next thing I tick off my list.
I know that medical anxiety and trauma aren't something that necessarily ever entirely goes away. Healing is one heck of a journey. Triggers are everywhere. Just a few days ago, I had to stop watching a series I was really enjoying because the bad guy had an amputee fetish and was cutting off people's limbs (this is an official trigger warning for season two of Goliath) But after switching to a comedy, the vibe was right back on track. Some things I'll be able to shake off, and others I'll handle as they come. Still, it's worth acknowledging just how great life is right now.