Setback Soup
It has often been said that your ability to bounce back after a challenge shows your strength. That helpless feeling of being fully submerged in a giant bowl of setback soup. The kind that threatens to spill over into the parts of our lives we finally had under control and make a giant mess of everything.
After several weeks of sharp pain at the distal end of my residual limb, I was finally able to see my Doctor for an X-ray. Sitting in the waiting room I remembered the last time I sat in this room. Waiting to confirm that there was no way to save my leg. Waiting to hear that my life would be forever changed. "What if it's cancer again?" I thought. Even with the majority of my leg gone, I could not keep that fear from creeping in. We were pretty sure all of the cancerous cells are gone, but we couldn't know for sure and that fear lives in me no matter how much I fight to suppress it. A life long post-traumatic side effect felt by so many cancer survivors showing it's ugly face.
As the Doctor walked into the room I tried my hardest to read his expression. He immediately slid the X-Ray image of my chest and femur into the display screen. I switched my gaze to the screen and didn't even let him get any words out before I began studying the images as if I had any idea what they should look like. "No changes on the chest X-ray!" He said cheerfully. I let out a sigh of relief before I noticed something strange on the image of my femur. He told me that some of the bone had worn away at the distal end and the metal stem of the original prosthesis I had put in 6 years ago to rebuild my femur was now the only thing left on the very end of my limb. "If you don't form scar tissue soon, you will need surgery to walk comfortably again," he said. He asked me to stay off of my prosthetic for as long as it took to feel pain-free.
To say I had mixed feelings as I left the appointment is an understatement. I was so thankful to still be cancer-free but I was also sad to lose the independence I worked SO HARD to gain again. I learned to walk on a metal leg and now I'm not even allowed to walk on that? How is this possible? I had heard so many amputees say that setbacks are common. Walking too much, a rash, a blister, nerve pain- all factors that create setbacks when you are missing a limb. Revision surgery is not uncommon, but boy is it unfair.
After a few weeks off my feet with minimal weight-bearing, I'm back to practicing walking with the parallel bars. Even my fitbit keeps reminding me of my setback by asking me to take more steps... I'm getting by with a little help from my amputee/ cancer survivor friends online. And I guess I could get used to the morning coffee deliveries in bed courtesy of my amazing Mother and Husband... Always search for the good if you want more of it.
