Why me?
Have you said it? Have you thought it? Has it at least crept up into your mind for a moment before you pushed it away? We all have. Did I do something to deserve this? There has to be a reason that God allowed this to happen to me. Maybe it was your amputation, maybe it was your cancer diagnosis or some other life-altering experience that made you ask this question. And it may not be the last time you ask it...
Life has flipped around our map, spun us in circles while blindfolded, and then asked us to find our way. Left disoriented, we want to understand why. But the answer might not be what you expect. The truth is, I don't believe we are meant to understand why and focusing on it too much will never get us through this. Instead, it will only weigh us down more heavily than the burden of the amputation itself. On my worst days, when I find myself questioning everything and feeling defeated, it creeps back in. I am human and this is nothing if not normal. I am only 4 months into my new life and the reality is that there is no magic pill that will make my leg grow back. However, I remember that I made a decision before surgery that I would focus on what I decided life had in store for me. I would be in control of how much I could achieve. Not a doctor, not a prosthetic, but me. I knew that no one else could give me the strength I needed. I told myself I would not feel bad for myself and I would not seek pity from anyone. It would be too easy to give up and live the rest of my life as a shell of the person I once was. The fact that I wasn't meant to live the easiest life is the only thing I do know about the "Why".
I am learning what helps me bring light to this darkness. It isn't what you promise other people, it is what you promise yourself. Care about yourself enough to promise that even on your worst day you will fight. Fight against the why. Life is fragile, but that is part of what makes it so beautiful. When we overthink things we waste precious time we could be using to achieve the unthinkable. Time we could be using to "dance in a storm in our best dress, fearless." So the next time you find yourself seeking answers that may never come, choose life. Choose to laugh until your belly aches and love until your heart could burst and accomplish all the things you never thought you could. Inspiration is everywhere if you let yourself see it.
