Unsolicited Advice

This week I got to wondering why people feel inclined to share unsolicited advice. What makes a person think ‘right now seems like a great moment to share my opinion on something that no one asked for’?

On our wedding day, my husband arrived at our wedding site a full forty minutes before me. Because we were eloping, there wasn't much for him to do but pace back and forth on the dusty -square de isle de France - eventually, taking a seat on an old wooden bench covered in worn green paint, resting his head between his hands. Suddenly, an older French woman approached him and said, "don't do it." "you're too young, don't get married." In a moment of impending lifelong commitment and a slight fear that I may not show up, he now had to listen to a likely scorned woman who thought he was getting ready to ruin his life. Thankfully, he knew he was not marrying just any woman, but instead, one whose awesome aura and sparkly brown eyes would make him forget what that old lady said in a heartbeat. So, he shook off her discouraging "words of wisdom" and said, I do. Seven years later, we still laugh about the woman who tried to stop our marriage from happening.

Unfortunately, it's not always so easy to shake the weight of how unsolicited advice can land on our shoulders, particularly during times of crisis. When someone is sick or hurting, there will always be another waiting to offer a miracle cure or a quick fix, sometimes for a profit or out of ignorance, but in other cases, with only the best of intentions. Because I have been on the receiving end of quite a bit of advice that I never asked for on how I could have kept my leg, what would have cured my cancer, and even how I got it to start with, I think a bit more before I share my thoughts with others. If I feel inclined to make a suggestion, I wait until one is asked for, or I share what helped me gently, without insinuating that I think it is also what is best for them. We are all living different experiences, with unique circumstances at play, and what was helpful for me may not be helpful for everyone. I would never tell a sarcoma patient that they should cut off their leg because it worked for me. But if asked about my treatment, I would tell them that my doctors and I felt it best in my case to have an above-the-knee amputation and that I have been cancer-free since.

If you're feeling personally attacked by unsolicited advice, you should never feel obligated to allow it in. If it doesn't bring you peace, support, or understanding, you can kindly say "thanks, but no thanks" and keep moving in a healthy direction. Once you have the strength to push negative energy out and gain the self-assurance that you know what is best for you, you will feel powerful in your own truth.

Here is the only real piece of unsolicited advice I will give you: never ever bleach your hair just because your date said you would look better as a blonde.