Three reasons why cancer survivors worry about recurrence
When the average person feels a twinge in their leg, they don't jump to the most dreadful conclusion that they must have a cancerous tumor lurking in their body. When a cancer survivor feels strange pain it's hard not to panic. If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say, " At least it's not cancer" after being diagnosed with any manageable disease, I might have enough money to cover my health insurance deductible for the year.
We have experienced the worst-case scenario- horror movies just don't hit the same once you have lived one. Once upon a time, I used to think "what are the odds it's anything serious, don't be dramatic, Alex." Now I know it can be and was serious. Something threatened my life and took my limb. I will simply never have the same innocent perspective I once had. Now my mind goes straight for the worst-case scenario, and I have to walk myself back from it hoping lightning won't strike twice while knowing that's exactly what happened to me when my cancer relapsed. I don't ease my thoughts because the odds are in my favor. I ease my thoughts because I still want to feel joy and peace.
Our anxiety triggers are EVERYWHERE. If you've ever been diagnosed with cancer, you remember the exact building and room you were in, you remember where you were sitting and the way your doctor rolled his stool close to you before he said the word "malignant". I pass this building almost any time I get on the interstate from my house, and I try not to look. Follow-up scans are a lifelong part of being a survivor. As the months and years pass, if you are lucky enough to be NED ( no evidence of disease) they become less frequent, but you can't completely avoid them. You will still stare into the radiologist's eyes after the scan is done, trying to read the look on their face for any clues. Did he just blink? Does that mean he saw a mass??
We've been given the statistics, and they aren't always great. When you're diagnosed, your doctor will tell you the survival statistics for your cancer which is based on a 5- year survival rate. The fact that doctors will only discuss your life expectancy in terms of five years is more than disheartening. These statistics are based not only on the severity of your disease but also on the likelihood of recurrence. This is because recurrence is always on the table, even for lower-grade cancers, and even after being "cancer-free" for five years. This is a reality for survivors. Even when the glass is half full, there is always that fear, and if you're lucky, that fear is only in the back of your mind.
Survival doesn't mean there is nothing left to fear, but it does mean another chance to live your life the way you've always wanted to, knowing just how precious life is. We shouldn't take our time on earth for granted. Take notice when the birds sing and the butterflies fly by. Beautiful moments are never lost on me, and I wonder why it took all of this for me to see them more clearly.
Don't be afraid to make plans. Forget about the big wedding that everyone expects you to have. Hop on a plane with your love and your Mom and get married by the Siene. Live your life every day to the fullest, despite the worry that lives with you like a dark passenger. I've learned that beating cancer isn't about clean scans as much as it's about finding love and laughing and experiencing pure happiness that isn't tied to your state of health.
