The old me and the new me

It's been more than ten years since the first time I found out I had cancer. I just said that out loud as I typed it, and wow. What a hellish ride it's been, and yet, here I am, healthy, happy, and quite frankly, a bit of a badass. I'm not sure who I would have turned out to be if all of this had never happened to me, but I do know that I'd be different.

I still scream at the same octave on rollercoasters, and my face lights up when I spot an arepa cart, just the same way it has since I was seven, but my lived experiences have molded me in undeniable ways. There has been more change within my body, mind, and soul over the last ten years than in any given period as far back as I can remember -including my bratty pre-teen years, which is saying a lot. I've had to get stronger and learn to speak up for myself and hold myself together so much that, in recent times, I've had to work on letting other people help me without putting walls up.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever reach a place where It's difficult to cry because I've had to turn myself into someone who can get through anything without falling apart. The old me was more fragile but she must have had some kind of fight in her because here we are. I made the new me from the pieces of the old me and some super glue.

As a little kid, I wasn't shy or afraid of much other than the sounds my Mom's vacuum cleaner made. I didn't know there was a cancer monster that could hurt me or anyone else. This very adult me, who has been through so much struggle and loss, has real fears, and in the year 2024, there are countless things to be scared of that either didn't exist or weren't in the realm of possibilities when I was a cabbage patch doll hugging, tutu-wearing toddler. But the biggest lesson I've learned through all of this is how to live fully, even when monsters are real and out there lurking.

I haven't yet worn a tutu at forty, but if you know me, you wouldn't put it past me. I'm going to keep living like there is only so much joy in the universe, and I want to grab ahold of all of it. It's not a competition against one another; it's a competition against negativity and self-doubt. Everything is designed to stress you out and make you feel like you aren't good enough, but that doesn't mean you have to believe it. Spoiler alert- this is the new me speaking. You can choose to be happy, and if that takes a little help from prescription meds and therapy, you are just a self-aware human trying to get through all of this chaos alive. I get it. I live it. I endorse it.