Today, I am a healthy, whole (despite missing a leg) individual. Although the emotional scars of cancer have not left me, my tumor is gone. The last feeling I ever expected to feel at this point in my life is guilt for surviving. Not everyone makes it out alive. We all know this, but it gets a bit harder to swallow when you remember these are people like you and I. It could have been me that didn't make it. Why was I spared when others weren't?
Good people with big hearts and a long list of things to live for die every day. If I think about it too hard, I spiral. Was it blind luck? Was it fate? God's will? What is the bigger picture here and where is the good that came from losing good people? We aren't supposed to question why these things happen, but how can we not? Be kind, work hard, eat healthy, they say. None of that will stop what is meant to be, right? It's normal to think all of these thoughts when you are spared. At least, that was my experience. First, there is an instant sense of relief and celebration. Clean margins, clean scans, and clean plates as we eat an entire meal without the familiar sense of nausea that comes from waiting to find out if the cancer is gone. Next, you spend time trying to get life back to normal, whatever that is, now that you just had your whole life flash before your eyes and hardly remember who you were. If you're lucky, you realize, it's OK that you're someone else now and you look at it as an opportunity to be all the things you always wanted to be. It was then, just as I was trying to form the upgraded version of Alex 2.0, that it hit me. Why me?
I don't think I'll ever have a real answer and I have come to accept that. Each time another beautiful soul leaves this earth, the feeling returns to haunt me. Then I wonder, what would they want for those of us who were spared? What would they want to come of this? I choose to believe that they would want us to live this life to the last drop, never to take it for granted and to use it for good. Give back, love hard, and give thanks. I think of this each time I need to refill my cup with gratitude. I'm still here. Why not make the most of it.
