February Series: Family Relationships

In week two of our February relationship series, I dive into the ins and outs of family relationships and disability.

Although we are born into our families, not all disabilities have been there since birth and it can take practice for us and our families to learn what makes us comfortable and the best ways to support us.

Something that cancer taught me is that no matter how much your loved ones want to understand what you are going through, they just can't, not fully anyway. If they haven't lived it, they will never know what it's like to be in your shoes. They do, however, know what it's like to feel the helpless pain of watching you struggle. When we forget that our family is suffering too, we push the existing divide between us even further apart. So how do we help them help us and work on healing together? Communication and patience.

Becoming disabled means change in so many aspects of our lives that we often yearn for a sense of normalcy. The last thing we want is for our families to treat us differently. The fact is that without communication, this is impossible. We can't expect our family to know that phantom pain is worst at night and we need to carry stump socks with us in case our limb changes volume throughout the day, but I do know that they usually want to know these things. Not everyone will ask the right questions so it might be best if you take the lead. My little cousin who visited me several months back is only 8. She is pretty fearless and asked me at least 50 questions about my prosthetic. I could have been annoyed, but I loved it. She genuinely wanted to understand how it worked and how it felt to walk in it. Adults are usually a bit more afraid to offend us with their questions so I often start the conversation and show them the basics of my prosthesis and what it helps me accomplish. Once everything is on the table, a weight is lifted on all sides and you can begin to return to the dynamic that once existed.

So you've had the conversation and allowed your family to ask questions, now what? You pull up to Target and they assume you need a wheelchair when you are perfectly capable of walking while pushing a shopping cart to brace yourself with. This is where patience comes in. Take a deep breath and remember that although they know the basics of your disability, they will never know everything. You will have good weeks and bad weeks and your needs may change based on that. When you remember to understand that they don't understand, you break the barriers that stand between you and can move forward feeling connected and comforted. This is how we heal together.