Healing is not linear

There was a time when I thought that my pain, both physical and spiritual would be it's worst during those first few weeks after surgery. I felt that fewer tears meant I had made it through that painful period in my life and I was ready to move forward with my head held high. I wasn't entirely wrong but I also wasn't entirely right. How could I possibly have anticipated exactly the way my future would play out?

It's true, I prepared myself as best I could to lose a leg. I tried to plan for my emotions, my struggles, my highs, and my lows. The fact is that healing is not something you can control the way you balance a checkbook. Healing is feeling and sometimes refusing to feel. If healing were a graph, it would look like the stock market. As soon as you think you have processed it all and accepted it you break down once more.

Today was a good day. Correction, today was a great day. I had breakfast in bed, spent a few hours lounging by the pool, and worked on some DIY projects to finish making my new house feel like home. I haven't had a care in the world today. That being said, not all days are like today. I worry about the typical 2020 social, health, and economic issues the rest of the world is concerned with and I also worry about my future physical struggles as an amputee. I have yet to spend a night apart from my husband since my amputation and as much as I want to send him off on a much-needed guys weekend or a trip to visit family, I can't help but think about all of the worst-case scenarios playing out while I am alone. What If I fall and my phone is so far I can't crawl to it? What If I slip on the pavers while taking my dog out and end up in the deep end of the pool with my heavy prosthetic on? A bit dramatic... I know. But I play out these horror movie plots in my mind regularly.

Part of the ups and downs of healing is fear. They say "time heals all wounds" but really it's not time, but feelings that allow your scars and fears to slowly heal. Feeling whatever emotions come as you go through each new challenge. Feeling the emotions that come as you prove everyone wrong when you do something no one thought possible. Don't allow anyone to tell you that you should be past this. All of it is necessary and normal and healthy. All of it is part of this complicated, beautiful life and it is so worth it.