Why you should help your therapist help you
After a minor crisis where my therapist disappeared from my health insurance platform, I found someone else whose availability worked for my schedule and gave them a shot. After our first session, I was a bit unsure. She spent a good chunk of time writing on a notepad and stopped to ask a couple of basic questions every few minutes. I wondered, "what will I get out of this?" but by our next session, when the notepad was gone, I realized she had likely been establishing a baseline and noting what issues I was looking to work on; maybe this was all part of her method.
Over the several subsequent sessions, I shared my story with her, cancer, the amputation, the loss of my father, infertility, all of it. I left our sessions feeling pretty productive and looking forward to the following week. But eventually, our sessions started to feel a bit more slow-moving, like there wasn't much to talk about anymore. Too much silence filled with awkward smiles and head nods. She reassured me that my perspective was great and I had all the tools I needed to manage my mental health, in fact, she complimented me several times. I should be happy about this, right? I was doing well enough for compliments. Instead, I felt like she wasn't sure why I still wanted to talk every week when things were pretty good overall. I couldn't disagree more. I still had deep-seated issues that I had been shoving into the depths of my mind for years. Why wasn't she seeing them?
I thought back to all the questions she asked and the topics we covered. Sure, we hit all my hot points, but it felt like we stayed at the surface and ignored what was brewing beneath. I thought of my responses, and I realized I had smiled and nodded through every session: no tears, no sadness, no expression in my eyes. I had put up a MAJOR wall, and I was good at it. Perhaps I convinced her I was more OK than I really was.
Sure, I gave her my story, but I expected that would be enough for her to work some kind of therapist voodoo magic. It must be part of her skill set to read my mind, right? -Wrong - If I wanted to get a lot out of this, I needed to put a lot in, which means being honest and raw even when it doesn't feel so good. Instead of turning my face to the side when my eyes swell up with tears, why not let them out in a safe space, with someone who wants to listen and help without judgment. She may be a trained professional, but my therapist needs my help to access my emotions. Once I understood this, I knew the roadblock I had created would no longer stop us from progressing with treatment. You can't go to the Ikea website to lookup an instruction manual if you aren't going to tell them which nightstand you have. I had to remind myself that wellness is more than just a pill or a lecture. You have to want it and put in the work to make it happen. If therapy isn't working, you may need a new therapist, but maybe that's not it at all. You might just need to take a look in the mirror and make sure you are giving as much as you hope to get back from the experience. Do more for yourself, you deserve it.
