Full of thanks anyway

It's 3:30 pm and I am laying in bed in my PJ's feeling drained and in a bit of a funk. My surgery took place last Tuesday and went smoothly. I was discharged the following afternoon. Since then, I've been dealing with a possible mild infection and a case of the blues that comes and goes.

Weeks before surgery I had plans, plans to catch up on tons of projects while I was recovering. I didn't expect that I would struggle to even write my weekly blog post. Feeling a bit uninspired and sluggish, and forgetting to take it easy on myself. I am only 4 days post-op after all... This is the hard part. It's not the fresh pain you feel when the meds wear off or the constant beeping monitors when my IV kinks up. For me, it's when I get home and have to figure out how to stay busy so I don't overthink every little thing. Stillness can wreak havoc on the mind. The first step to curing the blues is admitting you have them right? So this is how I deal. I write the words that are circling around in my mind like a fishbowl. Is this infection dangerous? Could it become dangerous? Will this surgery really help me with pain or was it all for nothing? All I want to do right now is talk to my Dad and shake off this feeling.

I'm a happy person generally. I laugh way more than I cry and I try to lift up others around me and also, I'm thankful. Even now, when the sky seems cloudy, I am thankful. It's so easy to fall into a dark hole that for a moment we forget everything we have. I DON'T HAVE CANCER ANYMORE. I repeat, I DON'T HAVE CANCER ANYMORE. This was a simple surgery to help me walk with less pain. How blessed am I the surgery I needed was for comfort and not a lifesaving one?! I could go on and on about how I hit the husband jackpot and how loved I am by my parents. While so many others are losing their jobs as a result of the pandemic, here I am on medical leave with a guarantee to return to my position after I am healed. Thanksgiving was quiet this year but it was still special. Everything we ate was made with love. There were only 3 of us seated at the table, not including my dog who instead laid under the table waiting for us to drop some scraps. During challenging times, even in the middle of it all, even when the curtains are drawn, light can peak in. Don't forget to recognize those moments for they can seem fleeting, but they will be your guide to get back to a much brighter place.