Self-Care Guilt

I left my full-time in-office job six months ago to work on my mental health and give myself some much-needed self-care. After working through a cancer diagnosis, fertility treatments, and returning to work three months after an above-the-knee amputation, I was drained. Stress was affecting my body and mind in ways that were not sustainable,

so I took a step back to refocus. Since then, I've done freelance work, had the time to explore creative projects, and still had more time to care for myself than ever. Something I very much needed and deserved, so why do I feel self-care guilt?

I think life is a bunch of seasons stringed together, and in this season of my life, I need to focus on myself above anything else: my mind, health, and self-worth. It's a time of healing and internal work, and some days that work looks less like work than it used to. I feel guilty over the fact that I have the time to nap between writing assignments, and I can actually cook myself a meal at lunchtime instead of scarfing down whatever Uber eats junk food I can get to deliver to my office in twenty minutes. I get to pet my dog as often as I want throughout the day, which means all day. I don't have to skip a Pilates workout because I'm exhausted after a stressful day at the office, and for the most part, I can "call in sick" whenever I need to without question.

It feels good to only take on the assignments and responsibilities I want, and my stress level is significantly lower. Yet I still feel the weight of guilt over this cushy new life season. Am I so conditioned to challenges that I don't know what to do with myself when it all gets a bit easier?

First, there was cancer to process, then the pain, infertility, more cancer, then limb loss, and all that came along with it. Now there is no conflict, no real struggle. Now there is just peace and healing.

I'm not perfect, but I consider myself a fairly good-hearted person. I should get the peace and healing that I deserve without any guilt. We all should, for that matter. Working on ourselves should be more important than any office job. Self-care isn't just a face mask and a gossip column; It's the decision to take some time to give ourselves what we need. It's refilling our cup before we worry about pouring it into others. There is a reason they ask you to put on your oxygen mask first before you try to help others in the event of an airplane emergency.

For now, I will continue to feed my soul with the rest and healing it needs. Other things will have to wait, and the work will be making sure that self-care takes precedence over self-guilt.