I miss my leg

It's been 2+ years, and I've never said the words out loud for fear of slipping too deeply into the dark waters of limb loss depression. But, I'd simply be lying if I said I didn't miss my right leg.

The leg that kicked off my sidewalk cartwheels as a kid, like a kaleidoscope of limbs until I got too dizzy to stand. The foot that wore a ballet slipper for my 5th-grade talent show is gone. I'll never get to look down at the ten toes I was born with again. The scar on my knee from that hide and seek game at the Coral Gables Youth Center. The wound that led to 7 stitches and me kicking a doctor in the head so hard he needed smell salts has left me, leaving nothing but the memory behind.
If only I knew then how much bigger of a cut I could survive without screaming or injuring a medical professional.

I want to make it clear that no matter how upbeat I often am about my situation, I still feel pain and longing for what I once had. I just do my best not to linger on those thoughts. I may, however, have done myself a disservice, early on, by not speaking these words out loud. When we don't properly grieve, we don't properly heal, and what we've run from will come back to haunt us like a recurring nightmare. Raise a hand if you are better at giving advice than you are at taking it. You are not alone and this does not mean you aren't worthy of helping others while you work through your own trauma. I still have work to do in terms of fully processing what I've been through but sharing through this blog and comforting other limb loss survivors makes me feel a bit like when your grandmother would put a bandaid on your cuts and kiss them better.

I think it's ok to miss my leg when I'm frustrated and struggling with limitations or pain. If I feel sadness on occasion, then so be it. If anything, it means that I spent long enough with my leg to experience some really beautiful things. Hiking, skipping, dancing my heart out for 35 years. I'm not done though. I fought hard for a prosthesis with the newest technology so that I could keep up with my adventurous spirit. I am continuously working on building my connection with this new leg so that nothing can hold us back. After all, we are stuck together so we may as well get along and achieve greatness.