Health Anxiety
As a full-fledged adult, or at least legally so, I get bloodwork done every six months and follow up with my regular doctor. Not my cancer doctor, just the guy who asks me if I'm taking my vitamins and refills my meds while we talk about the weather. I've never been nervous in his office. I doom scroll on my phone and yawn in his waiting room. Unfortunately, he has decided to switch to a subscription-style practice, which would mean paying a monthly fee not covered by my insurance policy. As someone who has spent, well, not an arm but a leg on medical procedures over the last ten years, I said heck no and immediately started working on finding a new doctor.
A couple of months later, I found an NP covered by my policy only a 9-minute drive from my house and told her my entire medical history as she tried to keep her jaw off the floor. She then ordered an insane amount of bloodwork, and I left satisfied that she actually listened to me and wanted to check all my levels to make sure my overall health was good. This is great, I thought. Until it was time to see her for the results, at this point, I started wondering what we would find now that we were testing things no other doctor had ever checked. I got the email with my results 24 hours before my appointment. Should I log in and read them or wait for my doctor to review them with me? It was TEMPTING, but for the sake of not panicking over something I didn't understand, I waited. Miraculously, everything was fine, except for being one point over the regular blood sugar level, which is unfortunate during the best food time of the year, but I digress. I did not get some terminal diagnosis. I did not burst into tears on my way home. I just said, "Are you sure?" like I fully expected something to be wrong with me.
It's hard to shut off that part of yourself that is used to something being wrong with your body. And the self-preservation that you've built over the years tells you to prepare for the worst so your world doesn't get unexpectedly rocked. As I approach the scarier season of oncology follow-ups and scans, I will remind myself just how far I've come and that I may have once been sick, but I don't have to remain in that place. I can move forward and onward with this chance I've been given. And I can, in fact, live a happy, healthy life.
