Feeling naked when my residual limb is showing
My disabled body and I are on good terms even though the skin on my residual limb occasionally likes to become hyper-sensitive, and physical therapy makes me hurt in places where I forgot muscles existed. It hasn't been the smoothest journey, but my mind and my body do their best to work together so that I can live my best life. Over the last four years, I've learned ways to keep them on the same page. Things like leg rest and lots of lotion help, and so does reminding myself that I am not in fact, naked when my residual limb is on display.
After a long day I will always slide off my prosthesis and let my skin breathe, even when that means hoping around the house or using crutches. And often, if friends are around, this is no different. Pretty much everyone I'm close with has seen my residual limb sans prosthesis. I consider myself to be pretty confident and comfortable in my skin. But there are some situations that make me feel wildly vulnerable.
Being stared at while wearing a cool-looking robot leg does not feel the same as being stared at while missing a leg. I've never felt more naked than when a group of strangers at a hotel pool are all staring directly at me. It's like I can feel their eyes burning a hole through my keloid scar. Hear their minds racing as they try to figure out what the heck happened to me. Sometimes, it's easy to shake it off and enjoy myself, while other times, I just want to look "normal" so they will look away and continue sipping their frozen cocktails instead of making me feel extra uncomfy.
Despite all the self-love work I do, It's still possible for me to feel naked when the only part of me not wearing clothes is what's left of my right leg. But having complicated feelings about a highly complex circumstance is one of the most human things someone who wears a robot leg can feel.
When I strip away all the layers of liners and gadgets, what remains is still a part of me, of who I am and what I've been through, and it's not something to be ashamed of. A battle scar, after all, means you have something to celebrate because you are still here. And that's why I drink so much champagne ;)
