Anti-hero

If you've ever felt like an imposter, pull up a chair. Sometimes on sleepless nights, we become the anti-hero in our own story, the boulder that blocks our path to success, the fly in our glass of Chardonnay. Why don't we feel worthy enough to welcome all the compliments that come with our achievements? Or allow ourselves to shake off all the hate?

Isn't it ironic? How easily we self-sabotage, then end up all the way back at the bottom of the hill we just worked so hard to climb up. We all have an anti-hero within us. Sometimes, when left to our own devices, we allow it to get stronger than our confidence, and it takes over like a drop of red ink on a watercolor canvas. I've felt this maroon sky-darkening monster sit on my shoulder a time or two. I've ruined opportunities for myself and convinced myself that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough.

I have said worst things about myself then any mean girl could write in a high school burn book. When I was younger, I would hope no one would notice those flaws, instead of working on accepting myself the way I was. I put myself under scrutiny. It isn't outsiders who do the most damage to our confidence; it's us. We pick and choose what to believe about ourselves like we're a bully picking players for a softball team. Leaving out anything that's different, perhaps even what makes us so special.

They say, Read the self-help books, but what they don't say enough is stop tearing yourself down. How are others supposed to respect you when you don't even respect yourself? Would you want to be treated the way you treat yourself? It is not accidental but a product of what we allow ourselves to believe about our own selves.

I'd like to tell you that as you get older, you get wiser, life throws more and more experience at you, and you defeat the anti-hero with your superhero powers and save yourself; then you get to sip the tea at bedtime, chamomile instead of gossip. But the anti-hero will always threaten to come back for a sequel, and you will have to fight in the great war once again. So keep your weapons sharp (self-love and vigilante shit) for when the midnight rain falls, and don't forget that you are a mastermind and you polish up REAL nice.

P.S: If you think you might have noticed an obnoxious amount of Taylor Swift Midnights references (some subtle, some more obvious) you are not mistaken. The way in which she strings together words has always been a huge inspiration for me and has lifted me out of some dark places. I hope you enjoy my version of Midnights Mayhem and allow it to show you all the ways you can shimmer.