Living life in the in-betweens
So you have a suspicious ache In the spot where your tumor used to be, but you can't get an appointment with your oncologist for another three weeks. You have your quarterly scan, and it turns out you need a biopsy to rule out more disease, but the OR isn't for another month. What do you do with your in-betweens?
Cancer and chronic illness patients experience life in cycles. The cycle consists of scan/testing time with a bit of scanxiety sprinkled on top for added flavor - the waiting for results phase - the celebration or panic phase, depending on what the scan reports say, then; we start all over again in a few months. There is so much waiting, waiting to find out if a treatment worked or if you're sick again. Wait- get answers- wait in actual waiting rooms- repeat. There are gaps in time that need to be filled, and I feel like I put most of my energy into filling them with things and moments that are so good, that I almost forget I'm in the waiting stage.
If there is a room our minds live in during the wait, I like to picture mine as a makeover project. I throw out all the uncomfortable chairs lining the walls of the room, open the walls up to put in floor-to-ceiling windows that let in plenty of bright natural light to drown out the unflattering, fluorescent hospital fixtures, and I paint the room a dreamy shade of lavender. Real hanging plants replace the dusty plastic ones sitting on the ledges, and instead of a water cooler, I install a free champagne vending machine. Perfect for celebrating the ultimately good news I hope to get at the end of the cycle. Obviously, acoustic Taylor Swift tracks replace elevator music. I fill the new chic but comfortable seating with all the people I love. Pets are always welcome in my waiting room for emotional support (but don't worry, I don't require documentation or certificates). Instead of germy, outdated magazines, the end tables have stacks of the best hardcopy mystery books like Verity, A Stranger in Paris, and The Silent Patient. Sometimes, I creep halfway out of the room for a good cry and some pizza, but I always make my way back to my happy place. The place I made myself, just the way I like it. Slightly delusional or genius? Either way, I get through the in-betweens with a little help from my mind, my people, and lots of adventuring. How do you get through? leave a comment below.
